Self-pity Defined: Excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one's own troubles; completely focused on feeling bad about your own problems and complaints.
Bible Examples
Setting Yourself Up to Feel Hurt Matthew 7:3-5 – “We usually blame others for our hurt feelings. Yet we often set ourselves up to experience hurts, rejection, or burnout. This happens at work, school, home, church, or wherever we are. Jesus taught us a different way to look at things—to first focus on ourselves and how we contributed to a problem.” (Doug Britton) Perspective “Some people are so focused on their hurts that they almost become ‘unteachable.’ They see ‘proof’ for their point of view and are not willing to look at things from a new perspective. You too may resist seeing how you set yourself up to feel hurt. For example:
[Take some time to go through the personal application section at the end of this study.] Don’t go to an extreme and blame yourself for everything Although you should look at how you contribute to problems, don’t go to an extreme. For example, if your parent, spouse, or anyone else physically [or emotionally] abuses you, don’t think you deserve it.” (Doug Britton) Cultivate Self-respect Instead of Self-pity “The truth is that self-pity is addictive. It’s like a drug, and soon you barely even notice that you are playing the game of self-pity. In fact, it may make you feel good about yourself at times, especially when it allows you to get attention as well as sympathy from yourself and from other people.” (Doug Britton, MFT) Self-pity is a counterfeit, it’s a terrible filler for the void we feel, it never brings true contentment and joy. No matter how much attention we receive it is never enough. The void is always there. Self-pity is an effort to get love and attention. But we need to realize that we are loved, infinitely. We are valuable.
“It is not pleasing to God that you should demerit yourself. You should cultivate self-respect by living so that you will be approved by your own conscience and before men and angels....It is your privilege to go to Jesus and be cleansed, and to stand before the law without shame or remorse. ‘There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit’ (Romans 8:1). While we should not think of ourselves more highly than we ought, the Word of God does not condemn a proper self-respect. As sons and daughters of God, we should have a conscious dignity of character, in which pride and self-importance have no part.” (1MCP 260) Combatting Self-pity I Kings 19:4, 9-15 – “While pitying himself, Elijah asks for death, saying, ‘It is enough! Now LORD, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!’ His situation reveals several problems that can fatigue and erode our attitudes: He presumes the outcome, focuses on the problem and himself, and becomes physically exhausted. God provides the solutions to alleviate self-pity:
When Elijah crawls into his shell, God commands him to get up and get moving. He wants Elijah to choose godly action based on obedience rather than inaction based on his emotions. Genuine repentance and a clear view of our true condition, not a distorted one, fights self-pity.” (Martin G. Collins Forerunner, “Bible Study,” June 2001) Steps to Overcome Self-Pity You have a choice 2 Corinthians 10:5 – “Whatever thought you are having, you have the choice to have another thought. For instance, if you are blaming someone else for what has happened to you, then you have the choice to blame yourself instead. You also have the choice to blame no one and see what happened as unavoidable. You also have a choice to see what happened as an opportunity for growth. There are many ways to view what happened, and which way you view it all boils down to your choice.” “Many greatly magnify seeming difficulties and then begin to pity themselves and give way to despondency. Such need to make an entire change in themselves. They need to discipline themselves to put forth exertion and to overcome all childish feelings. They should determine that life shall not be spent in working at trifles....Everyone should have an aim, an object, in life. The loins of the mind should be girded up and the thoughts be trained to keep to the point, as the compass to the pole. The mind should be directed in the right channel, according to well-formed plans. Then every step will be a step in advance....Success or failure in this life depends much upon the manner in which the thoughts are disciplined.” (2MCP 630) Bring your emotions under control 1 Corinthians 9:27; Isaiah 26:3 – “Do you want others to dictate how you feel, or do you want to decide how you are going to feel no matter what is happening? Do you want to feel down when bad things happen, or do you want to get back on your feet and work on making things better?” “Your self-pity is an injury to you; you sympathize with yourself, feel that you are not esteemed as you should be, that your work is altogether too hard, and your best efforts are unappreciated. These feelings are the result of a spiritual disease, which can be cured only through faith in Christ. The temptation seizes you when you are weary or perplexed; but when the first symptoms appear, and the enemy works to make you grumble and murmur, look unto Jesus, trust in your Saviour. This is the only cure for this spiritual malaria....If you allow your mind to be occupied with these things, the enemy will see that you are kept busy. He puts his magnifying glass before your eyes, and mole hills of difficulty are made to appear as mountains....You need to understand how to repose in God. A wise heart, molded by the Holy Spirit, it is your privilege to have; and this is the foundation of all true happiness.... “God would have you trust in His love, and be constantly guarding your soul by locking the gate of your thoughts, that they shall not become unmanageable; for when you allow your mind to indulge these thoughts of self-pity, the enemy comes in to suggest the most unkind and unreasonable things in regard to those who would do you good, and only good.... “Listen to Jesus, follow His counsel and you will not go astray from the wise and mighty Counsellor, the only true Guide, the only One who can give you peace, happiness, and fulness of joy....Whatever others may think of us or may do to us, it need not disturb this oneness with Christ, this fellowship of the Spirit. You know we cannot find rest anywhere out of Christ.” (SD 298) Do not brag about the bad (even to yourself) Philippians 4:12; 1 Timothy 6:6; Hebrews 13:5 – “When you are looking for pity, you will tell other people about how bad things are. You will talk about how sick you feel and how bad you have it, and then you will wait for them to feel sorry for you. When you are looking for self-pity, you do the same thing. You tell yourself how sick you are and how bad you have it and then wait for your thoughts and feelings to match up to the story you are telling yourself. It’s time to stop the story. Commit to not telling the sad story to others or yourself anymore.” “Do not cultivate a pride for consistency in petty matters. Such a course lends no strength to the cause of truth. We are none of us required to make ourselves singular, or to be martyrs in a small way all through life, by contending for little things when there is really nothing to contend about. Those who take this course pity themselves, thinking they have so much trouble on account of being conscientious, upright, and straight-forward in everything. But instead of being influenced by conscientiousness, they are indulging a wicked, selfish pride of notions.…We need not keep our own record of trials and difficulties, griefs and sorrows. All these things are written in the books, and Heaven will take care of them. While we are carefully counting up these disagreeable things, many things that are pleasant to reflect upon are passing from the memory; such as the merciful kindness of God surrounding us every moment, and the love over which angels marvel, that God gave his Son to die for us.” (GW92 461-462) Do something Proverbs 22:11-12 – “Pick something that you are unhappy with about your life and do something. It doesn’t have to be big, but it does have to be something!” “Let no one say, I cannot remedy my defects of character. If you come to this decision, you will certainly fail of obtaining everlasting life. The impossibility lies in your own will. If you will not, then you cannot overcome. The real difficulty arises from the corruption of an unsanctified heart, and an unwillingness to submit to the control of God.” (COL 331) Notice the good things in your life Psalm 103 (all or vs. 2-5, 10-14); 1 Thessalonians 5:16, 18 – “Now that you are doing something towards your problems, you should be able to see many of the good things in life that you couldn’t see before. Maybe you can see your strength or choices. Maybe you can see your freedom or loved ones. Maybe you can see how good you have it compared to many other people in this world. I don’t know what you are going to see, but you will see some good things. It’s recommended to keep a gratitude journal at this time. When you start writing down everything that you are grateful for, you begin to see how many great things there are in your life. As you ponder your list, you will start to feel less like your life is a misfortunate state of affairs and more like it is a place where love, goodness, and fun is abundant.” Give to others Galatians 6:2; Romans 15:1; Acts 20:35 – “One of the best ways to step out of self is to give to others. When you start to work towards making other people’s lives better, you stop focusing on what you don’t have or what has gone wrong, and you start focusing on the power you have to make this world a better place. The way to overcome self-pity is to give without expectation. Give selflessly.” (http://www.ilanelanzen.com/personaldevelopment/11-signs-of-self-pity-and-7-steps-to-overcome-it) “In essence, self-pity is excessive [false] love of oneself. Thus, a simple cure for self-pity is caring for someone else's welfare more than self—in a word, selflessness. Outgoing concern, love, toward others is outlined by the Ten Commandments, for they show love toward God and love toward neighbor. The saints who overcome Satan and the world are known by the trait that ‘they did not love their lives to the death.’ They are willing to lay down their lives for their friends (John 15:13).” (Martin G. Collins Forerunner, “Bible Study,” June 2001) 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil.” John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” Extras Not to Take Neglects to Heart.—“It is the love of self that destroys our peace. While self is all alive, we stand ready continually to guard it from mortification and insult; but when we are dead and our life is hid with Christ in God, we shall not take neglects or slights to heart. We shall be deaf to reproach and blind to scorn and insult.” (2MCP 631) Deadly Self-pity.—“We need to beware of self-pity. Never indulge the feeling that you are not esteemed as you should be, that your efforts are not appreciated, that your work is too difficult. Let the memory of what Christ has endured for us silence every murmuring thought. We are treated better than was our Lord. ‘Seekest thou great things for thyself? seek them not.’ Jeremiah 45:5. The Lord has no place in His work for those who have a greater desire to win the crown than to bear the cross. He wants men who are more intent upon doing their duty than upon receiving their reward—men who are more solicitous for principle than for promotion. “Those who are humble, and who do their work as unto God, may not make so great a show as do those who are full of bustle and self-importance; but their work counts for more. Often those who make a great parade call attention to self, interposing between the people and God, and their work proves a failure. ‘Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. Exalt her, and she shall promote thee: she shall bring thee to honor, when thou dost embrace her.’ Proverbs 4:7, 8. “Because they have not the determination to take themselves in hand and to reform, many become stereotyped in a wrong course of action. But this need not be. They may cultivate their powers to do the very best kind of service, and then they will be always in demand. They will be valued for all that they are worth.” (HDL 16-17) Jesus Understands, Leave it at His Feet.—“It should not be difficult to remember that the Lord desires you to lay your troubles and perplexities at His feet, and leave them there. Go to Him, saying, ‘Lord, my burdens are too heavy for me to carry. Wilt Thou bear them for me?’ And He will answer, ‘I will take them. “With everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee.” I will take your sins and will give you peace. Banish no longer your self-respect; for I have bought you with the price of My own blood. You are Mine. Your weakened will I will strengthen. Your remorse for sin I will remove.’ ” (1MCP 259) Ability to Endure Neglect.—“The soul that loves God rises above the fog of doubt; he gains a bright, broad, deep, living experience and becomes meek and Christlike. His soul is committed to God, hid with Christ in God. He will be able to stand the test of neglect, of abuse and contempt, because his Saviour has suffered all this. He will not become fretful and discouraged when difficulties press him, because Jesus did not fail or become discouraged. Every true Christian will be strong, not in the strength and merit of his good works, but in the righteousness of Christ, which through faith is imputed unto him. It is a great thing to be meek and lowly in heart, to be pure and undefiled, as was the Prince of heaven when He walked among men.” (2MCP 631) Affects Character.—“Self-pity is deteriorating to the characters of those who cherish it, and it exerts an influence that spoils the happiness of others.” (MM 177) What to Do.—“No Time for Self-pity. I say, put your trust in God. Your mind has been perplexed and occupied with this matter regarding your wife. Now in the name of Jesus lay this matter down; leave your case with the Lord. Let your experience humble you. Christ is with the weak and the tempted and forsaken, to give them His divine sympathy and rest. You need rest of mind. Give up Laura and fasten your affections on God. He will give you relief. Time is short; you have no time to stop and pity yourself; go to work for the Master. Do your duty to the very best of your ability; do not give up to discouragement; walk humbly with God; seek communion with God. Do not let your disappointment make you self-centered, to think of yourself, talk of yourself....Live for God. Be kind, be courteous. Let not this disappointment ruin you. Cast off your melancholy. God will help you if you will be true to Him. Remember, the eye of God is upon you, searching the depths of your soul.... “May the Lord help, strengthen, and bless you, to do your best. Look away from earthly things, earthly idols, and worship the Lord thy God, and serve Him with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and then you will be wholly devoted to the Lord.” (TSB 58) Sometimes You Just Need Rest.—“When you get so weary that you feel full of care and worry and self-pity, just go apart and rest awhile. Do not worry yourself out of the arms of Jesus.... “Look away from yourself unto Jesus, who is the author and the finisher of your faith. Be of good courage, and He will bring it to pass. You are not to be weaklings. When you feel thus, take an entire rest. Talk courage, talk faith, and you may create an atmosphere of hopefulness and brightness.” (9MR 17) Personal Application Ask yourself if you set yourself up to feel hurt in any of the following ways: Do you “ask for” rejection or persecution? For example, do you act withdrawn, angry, or obnoxious? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you ignore others? For example, do feel sorry for yourself because no one writes to you, yet you don’t write letters yourself? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you offer to do too much and then say, “Poor me”? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you say “yes” to requests and then think others take advantage of you? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you say insensitive or insulting things? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you taunt, attack, or ridicule others? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you complain a lot, then wonder why other people avoid you? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you seem aloof (even though you are just shy)? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you complain when you could do something positive instead? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: Do you attract abusive men or women? How I set myself up: Changes I should make: -Doug Britton, MFT
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